I Won't Let You Fall Apart
by AngelNo13Bardiel
Summary: Just how far would one go to keep the person they care about from further pain? -Story completed/C&C appreciated/Updated June 2010-


DISCLAIMER: No, still don't own Evangelion or its characters…and probably never will. This fic starts sometime after the 16th Angel and before the beginning of episode 24, so standard spoiler warnings are in effect. And to clarify, 'this' is thoughts and "this" is speech. Lastly, most of this fic is written from Shinji's perspective.

I WON'T LET YOU FALL APART

* * *

I roll over and look at the clock on my desk. 'Almost three in the morning,' I thought dimly. I had been having trouble sleeping as of late. Not really insomnia, more like…

Through my wall, I hear a small sound. "Not again," I say quietly, already knowing what the sound was. It was the same sound that had been keeping me awake at night for several days.

It was Asuka, sobbing ever so slightly. You almost couldn't hear it unless you tried…but I can, even if I try not to listen. She hadn't slept in the apartment much in the last couple of weeks, mostly staying over at Hikari's place. But when she was home, she cried in her sleep. 'Probably doesn't even know she is,' I thought, the sound causing me to flinch. 'That…thing invaded her mind,' I think, recalling what Misato had told me after that battle. For much of the time after that, Asuka had been more moody than normal and avoided contact with much of anyone.

Another sob comes through the wall, and I feel myself shudder. I already have enough to think about lately without being kept awake by those sounds. Misato had taken Kaji's death rather hard and immersed herself in work to deal with it. And Rei…I take a second to collect my thoughts there. After watching her 'death' and seeing what Ritsuko showed me at the bottom of NERV headquarters…I don't know how to even approach the girl anymore. My friends have left Tokyo-3 after Unit-00's destruction along with most of the city's population. 'Probably won't see them again,' I thought bitterly. They couldn't understand, not that many would.

The sound of crying from the other room interrupts my thoughts again. My thoughts on Asuka have been…chaotic, to sum it up. Hearing the sobs from her room has kept me awake, and not for any usual reason. I…I've had this feeling I can't explain come about me when she's around. Lately though, her usual fire has been gone almost completely.

And it pains me to see that, even a little. Every time she cries, I can feel a new tear on my heart, a new mark that won't go away. I always thought of it as a crush…ever since we met on the "Over the Rainbow", I've wanted her. At first, like any other boy would. "Damn hormones," I muttered. But that last night of the synch training, I saw through to a scared little girl underneath. And since then, that feeling has become more. I would almost say I love her, except that I'm not sure how love would feel. 'Haven't been on the receiving end of that emotion for about ten years,' I think solemnly.

Another small whimper echoes in my ears. I can't think of what to do about them. Even before she became like this, Asuka had been a difficult person to approach. Now…I was unsure of even how to talk to her. I wanted to reach out, help her, understand her…anything that would help. "I'm still a coward," I say, berating myself for doing nothing. I can only imagine how she feels…her failure to synch with Unit-02 during the last battle likely hit her harder than I can guess. And whatever else kept her crying in her sleep…

I hate myself for not trying to know her more. If only I did, I could do something to relieve her sorrow. Now I can only listen while she falls into depression, somewhere I had been many times. 'Still there right now,' I think. And at some points, I remember what thoughts had come to me. Wishing for my own death, hoping it could end my troubles. But I couldn't do it, I've been too cowardly to. But Asuka…I don't even want to think about it. In her state, she might not give it a second thought.

I can't bear that thought. I can feel tears welling up into my eyes from just thinking it. Then, I feel it. A sensation in the back of my mind, almost an errant thought, that tells me what has to be done. I sit up in bed and curl up as best as I can, keeping that train of thought in place. I haven't been able to be there for her sometimes when she needed me…something that also makes me hate myself further. "But there's nothing I can do about it anymore," I say, my voice cracking. But I can't watch her break down anymore. "I can't let her, I won't let her," I muse, each word sounding more convincing. "I promise, from now on, I will not let anything further happen to Asuka. Not from people, not from Angels, not even from herself," I said into the darkness of my room. It didn't matter if anyone else heard me, that promise was made to myself. And I would be damned if I wouldn't keep it…

* * *

Suddenly, I hear the sound of someone getting out of bed and opening a door. I get up slowly and walk over to my own door, opening it slightly and taking a look. I see Asuka's back as she turns and walks into the kitchen. I open the door a bit more and sneak down the hall, trying to avoid any noise. As I peer around the corner into the kitchen, I see Asuka standing there in an oversized shirt and a pair of shorts. I look up to her face. Still a beautiful face, but drained of its normal radiance and frowning heavily. Her hand reaches out and picks something up. I lean a little further into the room to get a better look. When I did, I wish I had seen something else.

In her hand, Asuka held a carving knife. A strange look was on her face, as if she was in deep thought. Then I realized what she had in mind. 'Oh no,' I thought, my eyes going wide and my heartbeat accelerating. She put the blade to her wrist slightly and whispered something. I was terrified, but I had to do something. I had just promised I wouldn't let anything, even herself, hurt her anymore. Without giving it another thought, I went with my instinct and quickly closed the gap between her and me and grabbed the hand wielding the knife.

"Let me go!" she screamed, the fire in her eyes becoming bright again. She struggled with me for a few seconds before putting her fist into my face. I fell to the floor with a bloody nose, gasping a little. Getting back to my feet, I saw that Asuka had begun to cut across her left wrist. Again, I lunged and grabbed her hands, making every effort to pry it from her grasp. "Get the fuck off me! I don't want your help!" she screamed at me during the struggle. As I tried going for the knife, I managed to cut my hands several times against the blade. But I put every bit of strength I had into getting it loose. 'She's still very strong,' I thought before she kneed me in the stomach. I fell, the air leaving my lungs for a minute. When I looked up, Asuka had resumed the cut she began on herself. I grabbed at her wrist was met with a few errant swings of the knife, leaving deep cuts along my arms. But I made no effort to dodge her…I wasn't going to let Asuka do any more damage to herself. My own wounds were nothing compared.

Asuka lunged at me, screaming and slashing to get away. I cringed at the pain as one of them caught my right arm. Feeling a surge of adrenaline, I grabbed at the knife, getting a grip on the handle. Grabbing her other wrist with my left hand, I managed to wrench the knife from her hand and tossed it across the kitchen. But she continued to struggle in my hands, kicking and yelling at me. I mouthed 'I'm sorry' before I reached back with my right hand and slapped her as hard as I could, in the hope that she would come to her senses.

Asuka hit the floor, holding her face and looking at me with a mixture of horror and disgust in her eyes. I stood there for a minute, bleeding and trying to catch my breath before explaining myself. "I…I'm sorry I did that," I began. "I never meant to harm you, but I can't let you go and kill yourself." I leaned down on my right knee and continued. "Didn't you think about anyone else? How they would feel?" I said, my voice with as much conviction as I could manage. "I'm not going to just sit idly by and le-" I was cut off in mid-sentence by the feeling of her foot in my chest. I felt light-headed and fell to the floor, grunting in pain. I watched as Asuka got to her feet and ran to the front door, opening it and disappearing into the night.

Several minutes later, I struggled to get to my feet through a haze of pain. I had cuts along my hands, my arms, and my side. I could feel blood still coming out of my nose and what felt like the beginning of a black eye. 'And no telling how many bruises,' I thought. But I didn't have time to mend my wounds. I walked over to the front door and followed Asuka. She was scared, desperate, and depressed. No doubt she would try to finish what she started here. I repeated that promise in my head several times, closing the door behind me. Somewhere in Tokyo-3, there's a suicidal young woman I can't let go…

* * *

I had walked around the city for hours now, not seeing any sign of Asuka. I could feel the dried blood on my hands and face, but I couldn't stop for anything else now. I had been everywhere I thought I would find her. Hikari's house, downtown, the school, the Geofront…everywhere. I was beginning to lose hope and could feel myself becoming sluggish. "Lost a bit too much blood," I muttered. After a few minutes, I came to a bench. Giving myself a few moments to breathe, I looked at my watch. 'Ten forty-six…,' I mused. It had been over six hours since I last saw her. "Goddammit, Asuka…where are you?" I said, a few stray tears falling.

I was hurting all over, but not from physical pain. During my search, I tried to imagine if she had managed to succeed in her earlier efforts. But I just couldn't, the idea making my heart ache greatly. "Is this what love feels like?" I asked myself, close to crying. And really, I guess this was damn close. Just the thought of being without her, even if she wanted nothing to do with me…I stopped that idea there. "No," I stated, "I'm done running away." And I was, I was honestly tired of it. If I could save her from herself, I would sit down with her and put it into words. "But I have to find her first," I said, standing back up and walking down the street.

A few blocks up the street led me to some destroyed buildings on the outskirts of town. As I walked through the rubble, I continued to think of what I was feeling. I hated having to hurt Asuka, but I thought it would snap her out of it. "I guess that didn't work," I said, feeling let down with my actions. I promised that nothing would hurt her again, and yet I couldn't keep her from running from me. "Maybe she's just as hurt as me," I thought aloud. And she could be, maybe even more so than me. I sighed, wishing again that I had done things differently before she began to break.

The sound of water dripping snapped me out of my thoughts and back into reality. I followed the sound, not knowing what else to do. A few seconds later, I came upon a sight I can never forget. Asuka lay naked in a bathtub full of dirty water, her clothes neatly folded nearby. The water had turned a slight shade of red, making me fear the worst. "No, no, no, no," I repeated over and over, walking to the side of the tub and reaching in. I grabbed her left arm and pulled it out of the water, looking over the wrist. "Oh god," I managed through tears as I saw the cut from earlier had been finished. Quickly reaching over to her other arm, I pulled it from the tub and looked at the wrist. "Shit!" I yelled, seeing another cut like the first. I hastily grabbed her wrist and checked her pulse, hoping to hear a heartbeat. There was still one there, albeit a bit slow.

I wasted no time in pulling Asuka's nude form from the tub and over to her clothes. Ripping the sleeves off her shirt, I tied them tightly on her sliced wrists like tourniquets and wrapped the rest of the shirt around her. I put my arms around the underside of her legs and her back and began running as fast as I could carrying her. I had failed…failed to protect her from harm. But I wouldn't let her die on me, not while I was still breathing. I ran towards the hospital, the panic and fear on my expression as equal to what was in my heart…

* * *

It's been three weeks since I brought Asuka in with her self-inflicted cuts. I sit in a chair near the bed in her hospital room, watching her. The doctors told me she'd fallen into a coma and they weren't sure when she would awaken. As for my own wounds, they've since been cleaned and bandaged…but that doesn't matter to me. All that really matters is that I failed in my promise. I couldn't stop her from hurting herself. The nurses told me I probably saved her life, which I'm glad for but made me feel no less responsible. "If only I'd been quicker…" I kept telling myself. I haven't been back to Misato's apartment since that night. When she visited the room the next day, I told her about what had happened in the kitchen and how I found her in that bathtub. Misato just stood there, quietly crying and putting a firm hand on my shoulder. It did little to comfort me, though.

I sat there, day after day, talking to Asuka and hoping she'd wake up. I only left to shower and do synch tests…except for about a week ago. The Fifth Child, who had been selected to replace Asuka shortly after the last battle, had turned out to be the last Angel. He had taken control of Unit-02 and headed towards the bottom of NERV headquarters. Section 2 agents escorted me from the hospital room to the EVA cages, where I was to fight one last time. As the machine began to start up, I began to understand something. The Angels…they were what had caused all of this to happen. That one that had mind-raped Asuka, the one that killed Rei, Misato's need for revenge against them…my own pain stems from theirs. I don't clearly remember what happened after that, only that I was blinded and deafened by rage. I spotted the Angel in the main shaft, a gray-haired albino boy about my age wearing the Tokyo-3 school uniform. I didn't even feel any hesitation with the next actions. Before he could turn Unit-02 on me, I willed Unit-01 to reach out and grab him. A split-second later, there was a sickening sound as the last Angel was crushed. I didn't even know his name…but at the moment, it didn't matter. Only that the Angels were gone and they wouldn't cause any more pain and sorrow.

After that, I continued to watch over Asuka, just wanting to see her open her eyes again. I cried myself to sleep every night right there, still blaming myself. I had saved her life, but I failed to keep my promise. To me, that had been the only thing that mattered. I felt myself having suicidal thoughts, wanting to die because of my inaction. But once again, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not because I was too afraid, but because I wasn't going to abandon Asuka now.

I awoke to hear the sounds of alarms announcing an invasion by JSSDF soldiers. I didn't know what it was about, but I could care less. I had almost decided to stay there and give up, but looking down at the girl on the bed, I couldn't do it. She couldn't possibly defend herself now. And I made a new promise, that I would do whatever I could to save her. I gently picked Asuka up and started running towards headquarters. Once inside, a group of NERV guards approached me and told me to hand Asuka over to them. They were going to try and keep her alive by putting her in Unit-02 and stowing it at the bottom of the lake in the Geofront. I agreed and handed her off to them, taking off a moment later for the EVA cages. As I sat in that machine again, I heard Misato brief me about the main threat, the EVA mass-production series. I didn't listen to most of it, only concentrating on how to dispatch the enemy. 'They're not going to hurt her, I swear to God,' I thought. During the ascent to the Geofront, I began to realize something. "I'm not going to come back," I whispered. I had a strong feeling I wasn't, but it didn't scare me that bad.

A few seconds after reaching the Geofront, I caught sight of them. Nine white EVA units, all carrying large sword-like weapons. I felt the rage boil over again, and I ripped right into the first one I saw. I willed my machine to tear it in half, throwing the other half at another advancing unit and reaching for the prog knife. The next two were taken down with the knife, digging it into their flesh as deeply as I could. The knife broke under the pressure of Unit-01's grip and I was weaponless. I willed it to run to one of the fallen unit's swords and pick it up. As soon as I did, another came from the left and was met with his allies' own blade. But as I turned to pick another target, I felt a sharp pain in my right side. Looking down, I saw a large hole open up there and bleed into the LCL. Turning to the attacker, I was met with the gaze of one of the EVAs I'd taken down. Then another stab, this time in my left thigh. Looking though the entry plug, I saw that their weapons had reformed into twin-pronged spears.

But they didn't finish me off. Instead, I felt myself begin to float. I looked out to see the other EVAs gather around me and unfurl their wings, lifting Unit-01 into the sky. Before long, they were all in the skies high above the remains of Tokyo-3. Looking down into the Geofront, I saw the lake NERV had stored Unit-02 in. I had no idea what these EVAs intended to do with me, but I wasn't going to take the chance it would hurt Asuka. "I…I just knew this was it," I said, almost laughing. 'Looks like I'm not going to be able to keep that promise either,' I thought, reaching behind the entry plug's seat. "I love you, Asuka," I continued, "and I'm sorry." I worked the controls and pulled the handle, setting the self-destruct into motion.

Deep under the waters of the lake, inside Unit-02, Asuka Langley Sohryu opened her eyes just in time to hear a massive explosion far overhead…

* * *

A month later, Asuka stood before a large stone marker. Dressed in her yellow sundress and carrying an umbrella, she stood there while collecting her thoughts about the person this monument represented. Her eyes were red and had dark circles under them, sleep deprivation and tears the obvious causes.

Sometime after the news was told to her, she had stumbled on a journal of Shinji's musings. The last date had been the night of her attempt. The last words were what explained it all. "I promise, I will not let her fall apart," it read, the truth hitting her hard. He gave his life for hers, without even wanting anything in return. Shinji had loved her enough to do that.

Asuka looked to the sky and saw rain begin to fall. Opening the umbrella, she wiped away tears that had fallen thinking about him. Turning to walk away, she looked back at the marker. "I promise to live on…for you," she said sadly, trying to smile.

*****THE END*****

A/N: Okay, I'm sure some of you want to kill me for this. Or just wonder what became of me. Nothing, really. But doing something outside your normal areas is crucial for evolution. A necessary evil, if you will. So…I wrote this. The idea came to me some time back and I finally gave in and wrote it. Reasoning behind that decision? Bad shit has happened since the last fic and this is a perfect way to get over it. Just don't expect more like this from me…

Don't even think about an Omake. Darkfics and light-hearted Omakes don't go together..

Pre-read for this fic was done by tenokomaster and Stormofdragons. Thanks for the help and feedback, guys.

As of the fourteenth of June in 2010, I have updated all of my fics...AGAIN. Not to worry, it's mostly just small alterations/edits and spelling/grammar fixes.

As usual: good comments will be appreciated, bad ones will be ignored (or kept for firewood). But I do favor good/helpful criticism, so send it my way!

Until next our paths cross,

-AngelNo13Bardiel-


End file.
